Shift Drink

The Diner’s Bible

Everyone has an opinion about what constitutes good service. A recent article published in the New York Times hailed “100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do.” In the hospitality industry, we are under constant scrutiny often by people who have no business evaluating our competence. We have rigid rules we must live by in hospitality while next to nothing is expected of those we serve. So, why has no one ever considered a handbook for those who dine out? Isn’t there a certain level of decorum and respect those of us who work in restaurants should be entitled to? We think there is, and we offer this list of Holy Commandments to live by whenever you dine out. If you follow our guidelines below, you will get better service. Most likely better than you deserve. God speed. (click read more to see list)

1) Thou shalt not beckon us with any broad hand gestures like you are hailing a cab or training a dog. Make eye contact and ideally preface your simple requests with “please” or “when you have a moment.”
2) Thou shalt not ask us to describe something on the menu, interrupt with stupid questions, and expect us to continue our description when you’re done.
3) Thou shalt not ask for recommendations, proceed to order dishes we didn’t suggest then act surprised when you’re disappointed with what you’ve ordered.
4) Thou shalt not specify how much ice you like in your water. It sets a bad tone and tells your server that you are high maintenance. Save the specifications for your martini.
5) Thou shat not ask for “Bloomberg Water” or tap water in conjunction with the name of any local politicians or your municipal water commissioner. Keep your commentary on the quality of your city’s water at a minimum. (i.e. [Insert city] has the best water in the world!)
6) Thou shalt not ask if we have blue cheese olives. We don’t, and we’re not making them for you even if we happen to have blue cheese and olives.
7) Thou shalt not give your server a printed card that explains how you like your martini or any other drink.
8) Thou shalt not ask for vodka served in a wine glass. We’re not going to pour you more just because it’s a larger glass. If you have a specific glass you’d like your drink poured in, stay home and make one for yourself.
9) Thou shalt not ask for black napkins. It’s pretentious. If we have them, we’ll offer when we see a dark outfit. If not, use white and carry a lint roller.
10) Thou shalt not call us over to the table to ask us if the dish you ordered is supposed to be improperly cooked. (ie. Is the octopus supposed to be burnt like this?). Just say you’re unhappy with it, and we’ll bring you something else.
11) Thou shalt not get passive-aggressive and tell us you’re fine when you’re unhappy with your food. If you’re disappointed with a dish, send it back. But don’t use it as an excuse to leave a deficient tip.
12) Thou shalt not strand your server while you pore over menu selections. If you can’t decide, kindly ask your server for more time. Don’t expect us to wait there, while the rest of our station goes down in flames.
13) Thou shalt not ask us to describe a dish that we’ve just finished describing to someone else at the table, the one that you didn’t hear because you were texting on your Blackberry.
14) Thou shalt not disturb your server while he is engaged with another table. If you touch us while we’re talking to another table, we will smack you down.
15) Thou shalt not say you’re allergic to something if you’re not. If garlic gives you gas, for example, this does not qualify as a food allergy.
16) Thou shalt not ask us to bring you toothpicks.
17) Thou shalt not, for the love of God, ask us for said toothpicks then start picking your teeth at the table.
18) Thou shalt not claim you’re a good tipper when you make a special request. Anyone who claims to tip well is usually an average tipper. Like a man who says he has a big penis.
19) Thou shalt not bring bottled water, Snapple, or any other beverage or pre-packaged food item from another vendor into the restaurant and leave it on the table.
20) Thou shalt not order your meat cooked in between temperatures. There is no such thing as Medium-to-Medium-Rare to a chef in the shits.
21) Thou shalt not order your meat cooked in colors. Pink should be referred to as Medium. Red is rare or medium rare. Black-and-blue is the only exception.
22) Thou shalt not say “We haven’t even looked” more than ten minutes after you’ve been presented the menu. We will continue to pester you until you’ve ordered—it’s our job—so you might as well get it over with.
23) Thou shalt never threaten to take up a table longer than a reasonable amount of time allotted for the turn. We understand you haven’t seen each other for fifteen years and everyone’s celebrating their birthday, but threatening to camp will just provoke your server into moving you through your meal more quickly.
24) Thou shalt not point to your wine glass to indicate you’d like us to pour. Kindly ask. A please and a thank you will go a long way toward more attentive service.
25) Thou shalt not request a dessert menu until we’ve cleared you of your mains. Never ask for dessert while we’re in the process of clearing. We understand the natural progression of a meal.
26) Thou shalt not hand us plates while we have others in our hands unless we ask for your assistance.
27) Thou shalt not make multiple requests at once. (i.e. Can we have some lemon? Oh..and is it possible you could bring us some of those olives we saw at the bar? And some bread whenever you have a chance. We’re starving.)
28) Thou shalt not order a Diet Coke while drinking an expensive bottle of wine. Don’t be a douche. If you need a soft drink, hit the 7-11 on the ride home.
29) Thou shalt not ask us to promise it’s decafe. It is. And even if it isn’t, your threat to call us at 3 AM isn’t scary because we’ll still be wide-awake getting drunk at the bar after our shift.
30) Thou shalt not order hot water with lemon.
31) Thou shalt not order hot water with lemon and refer to it as a “Canarino” or any other name that makes it sound anything other than what it is: Free, and a colossal waste of our time.
32) Thou shalt not order hot water with lemon and bust out your own tea bag.
33) Thou shalt not ask us to make separate checks. Leave multiple credit cards, and we’ll be happy to divide the check into specific amounts.
34) Thou shalt not split wine off the check to flout tipping. If you split a wine off, leave an appropriate tip.
35) Thou shalt not steal our pens from the check presenter after you sign the bill. We buy those and your meager tip will probably not leave us with enough discretionary income to replace them.

-Warren Peace
Senior Editor


What did we miss? Leave any suggested amendments in the comments section below.

100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do- Part 1
100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do- Part 2

About the Author

Warren’s feet are sore from too many years in the restaurant business. He lives in New York City where he is working on his first novel, Getting Lucky, a coming-of-age story set in the seedy underworld of Greyhound buses and late 90’s porn. He has no wife, no kids, and does not work lunch.