Shift Drink

Table Talk

"Do you have a water preference, sir, bottled or tap?” I humbly ask. “Giuliani Water is fine,” he proudly answers to the delight of his guests. I don’t smile. Two terms after our beloved former mayor has become a private citizen, those who drink tap in New York City restaurants continue to amuse themselves and irritate waiters with this remark. Some elect for the more contemporary “Bloomberg Water” or simply ask for “New York’s Finest.” Occasionally, they’ll take it further by assuring everyone present, including you, that “It’s the best water in the world!” in case anyone thought the springs of the Italian Alps might be a safer bet. A big part of our job as waiters is to humor people who say infinitely stupid things. Here are a few of my favorite scenarios:

1. “We Hated It!”
You clear with the requisite “How was everything?” then—as though no one has ever considered the irony—they proclaim, “We hated it!” But how can that be? Everything is completely devoured from the plate? The party erupts with hysterical laughter, while you struggle to muster a service smile. Other popular variations include: “Send it back!” “Can we get a refund?” or “Tell the chef he should take this off the menu!” Withhold your phony laugh until you hear theirs since it’s always possible that they may, in fact, hate it.

2. “Promise Me It’s Decaf!”
Short of testifying under oath, I’m not sure what waiters can do to convince decaf drinkers that they have delivered the goods as advertised. Evidently, there is a citywide coffee conspiracy because customers continue to threaten waiters’ lives. Among the typical fatawa: calling you at three in the morning, asking for your address to wake you up personally at three in the morning, or returning to the restaurant the next day to exact vengeance on you. The threat will be followed by a long anecdote about a rogue waiter who poisoned them with caffeine and kept them up until—that’s right—three in the morning.

3. “We’ll Have One Of Everything.”
Ashamed to dignify this oft-heard remark, you say, “I’d be impressed” to which they respond, “Has anyone ever done that?” You’re getting sat again, so you ignore the question and prompt them to order. “I’ll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke.” This is supposed to be funny because it’s a three-star dining room, but your glare let’s them know that you don’t have time for a comedy routine. When they finally get the message, they usually ask, “So, what’s good here?”

4. “You’re Gonna Have To Roll Us Out Of Here.”
This is a customer’s boorish way of conveying to you that they are full. “Do you have a wheelbarrow?” they might say, or “We’re going to need a stretcher.” The door is on a forty-five minute wait and the bar three deep. If they don’t pay soon, someone may have to.

5. “Do You Have Any Low-Calorie Desserts?”
The fattest person at the table usually asks which almost makes you laugh but you can’t give them the pleasure. After having issued this inane remark, they will place an order for one dessert and ask you to bring x-number of spoons corresponding to the number of guests in their party (even though you know they will not be sharing). Then, they will leave a ridiculously small piece of chocolate cake on the plate and say, “Oh, I couldn’t possibly eat another bite.” See number 4.

6. “We thought We Lost you.”
You don’t even have time to thank them for their concern because you are in the weeds. After being passive-aggressive with you all night, this customer will then use separation anxiety as an excuse to justify a sub-standard gratuity (even though he/she is already a bad tipper). You know from experience that they are undeserving of your hospitality and so you continue to “get lost” in favor of new revenue streams.

7. “Medium Rare… But A Little Bit More To The Rare Side.”
The traditional scale of meat temperatures may be long overdue for a makeover. Let’s face it—the old system is simply out of touch with the needs of the modern foodie. Think about all of the temperatures that are not accounted for in the classic model: “Medium Rare but not bloody,” “Well done but not dry,” “Still mooing,” and, of course, my all-time favorite, “Pink.”

8. “We’re Gonna Make It Easy For You.”
If you hear this one, you are guaranteed the table will require above average attention. This person will probably ask your name purely to indenture you into their service. Every request will be prefaced with a syrupy sweet “Whenever you get a chance…” and punctuated with “Thanks, [your name]”. There will be no end to the errands they make you run. “Whenever you get a chance… Can we get a toothpick? Oh, And a hot water with lemon? Thanks, [your name]!” There is nothing easy about waiting tables, and anyone who thinks it is will always need everything before you get a chance.

—Warren Peace
Senior Editor

About the Author

Warren’s feet are sore from too many years in the restaurant business. He lives in New York City where he is working on his first novel, Getting Lucky, a coming-of-age story set in the seedy underworld of Greyhound buses and late 90’s porn. He has no wife, no kids, and does not work lunch.